self confidence
SELF CONFIDENCE
Now this is an interesting subject to talk about cause I’ve always associated my self-confidence with vanity. Perhaps it was all those 80’s teen mags telling women to power dress, wear heels and own it!! Oh my how different those days were but were they really? We have influencers now; I saw a quote on Insta which was from a high profile lady who said ’I can’t concentrate in flats’ oh my I’m doomed I thought.
So back to my point, I’ve always wanted to ‘look the part’, so whether that’s wearing the right outfit for work or even going out I always wanted to look nice. Now there have been a few occasions where I have got this horribly wrong. The most distressing has to be when an old friend bought tickets for a ZZ Top concert at the MK bowl, she loved them, fair to say I didn’t but friends support friends right. So off I go to a ZZ Top concert, with jeans – ok, boots – ok, vest top – ok and a white blazer – seriously not ok. They performed several songs and then I was quite proud of myself because I knew one and could join in ‘she’s got legs, she knows how to use them’. Then it began, burgers and plastic pint glasses full of beer (erm maybe not beer) started flying through the air everywhere, it was carnage and I stood out like a Belisha beacon in my white blazer amongst a sea of black heavy metal t-shirts. I was ushered out of the way towards the side of the bowl and escaped with just a big fat stain of tomato ketchup on said blazer. That was definitely a case of not dressing appropriately but when I arrived I didn’t care, I felt I looked nice and had the confidence to march through all of the metal heads.
The next episode which sticks out was during Euro’96 when I chose to go to work top to tail in orange. It was a short cropped jacked and mini skirt (I was in my 20’s here) and I thought I looked the business but hadn’t really thought much about the football, oh dear! So fair to say although I was obviously supporting England I hadn’t given any thought to the fact our next match was against the Netherlands in the group stages. I marched up Camden High Road to pick up a sandwich, sunny day and I am shining bright, oblivious to anything other than what I was going to order from the Italian Deli. Then I heard shouting ‘F*** you Dutch bitch’ and a milkshake was duly lobbed at me from a white van, stereotypical I know. Thankfully he didn’t achieve a direct hit as such but it did land on the floor in front of me and splattered up my legs and yes onto my orange skirt. That was the last time the world ever saw that outfit.
So back to the point about self-confidence, now when I was first diagnosed I was walking slower with an obvious foot drag, which I now know to be foot drop. That said I wasn’t that bothered about it because whenever anyone asked what was wrong I just said bad leg and no one questioned it. When I moved on to the use of a crutch, I was embarrassed, rather like any comic caper we see on TV I truly thought wearing a hat and sunglasses would mean no one would recognise me. Trouble is wearing sunglasses when it’s a typical English grey day is far worse that just being seen with a crutch in the first instance, I mean come on what was I thinking? Then came the rollator and to say I was mortified is an understatement I mean how can you rock a look pushing a nanna buggy? So it became leggings and hoodies which to be fair does provide some face coverage. Then you must have a word with yourself!
I don’t think being vain will ever leave me, but I have come to realise that self confidence is more than how I look. I am knowledgeable in my field of work, I have a natural lean towards altruism, I have a strong set of core values I live by and I’m attempting to build my physical strength.
I must consider myself fortunate as I can still live my life. Admittedly it has to adapt a bit I mean I could never go to a rave again and maybe have to concede my desire to get to Tomorrowland (the festival not Disney) or maybe I don’t. So for me focusing on caring about what others think about my walking should not be a concern its too self-absorbed, I should just focus on the fact I’m still upright I can walk even if its slowly. Self confidence truly does come from within so I am just going to own it, be myself and yes get dressed up and yes use any blooming walking aid I need!
A friend recently sent me a meme ‘If you focus on the problem, you might miss the easy solution’. The reason for adding this is just to simply acknowledge that I for one was at one point so consumed with what I can’t do rather than what I can…
